The last long weekend Im camping out, way up near the Rocky Saugeen River with about 500 other people; were there to catch the Fat Cats and a couple of other jam bands - a little country rave thing. After a long night of partying and getting jiggy, the next morning I stumble out of my tent seeking a place to de-liquidify.

Since the porta-potties were severely lacking in hygiene, I head into the woods just past the last tent on the outskirts of the campground. I do my business and leave no trace as were taught in Boy Scouts. These woods are peaceful in the still-morning air and I decide to walk a little along a path that Ive come across. The screaming music from the campers' stereos fade away, robins and warblers are chirping, a little chipmunk runs up a tree trunk and the morning sun is peaking through the treetops. I travel specifically to seek out these moments. Then I notice the birds have stopped chirping and its suddenly very quiet. For some strange reason I feel like I'm being watched.

A shadow comes over me and I turn around and there in full flight is a hawk swooning down at something very close to where Im standing. I'm in shock and at the same time amazed by this magnificent bird. Then I realized, its me the hawk wants.

Within a split second, as this huge peregrine heads toward me, I think; do I play dead, do I run or do I take it on." No time for decisions, instincts kick in and I duck. As it swoops by, I feel the wind from its wings brush by my head. Holy Hitchcock Im thinking!

I watch it fly up to a tall tree branch that hangs over the path I had just walked. I stare it down, because I'm more pissed off than frightened at this point. Dont get me wrong - Im a nature lover. But I mean really! I wasn't doing anything, and this friggin bird, takes a run at me!

The creature looks directly at me. It is large, not a mere warbler. The outer feathers are bark-brown, its breast is white like northern Ontario snow. It has the wingspan the size of a Canada Goose. It watches me with sideway glances like an Egyptian hieroglyph, turning its head to check me out with each eye. I wave my arms and bark some strange noises at it. For some reason, I figured this is the way man should communicate with large predatory foul. In my own way, I'm saying, "Hey bird, I'm a man, I can eat you. I'm not doing anything to you - so back off!"

I figure it understands me and I resume my walk.

After a few steps, I turn to see what the bird is going to do. This monster bird of prey drops from the branch and is coming straight at me; talons extended in my direction. I run down the path like Indiana Jones when that huge boulder from the cave is barreling towards him.

Now, I'd like to tell you, I dove heroically out of the way as if I were stealing second base, head-first-like, but I didnt. I did this angular fumbling self-tripping maneuver as I tried to protect my head from its sharp claws. I end up flat on my butt. Again, the loud flutter of hawk wings brush by my head.

It takes me a few moments to recover and brush off the indignity this bird has caused. In all honesty I had to let my heart rate come back to normal from like, a thousand beats per second. Again, the bird and I are staring at each other. I'm sweaty, dirty, hunched over and scared. The bird is perfectly composed.

I pick up two broken branches the size of Louisville Sluggers and wave them in the air. Again, I start with the barking growls. I know what you must be thinking: he's like McGyver, creating tools out of his immediate environment. And then the moment of truth.

Once again, the monster bird of prey drops from the branch, heads directly at me but this time it starts to scream. GAWK, GAAAWK. This sound is new to me and as it turns out, it is a

courage-sucking sound. I drop the sticks and run as fast as I can into very thick brush, never looking back. Actually, I couldnt look back because my eyes were shut. I've got the tree branch mark across my forehead to prove it